Why are you in the lifestyle?

(I found this on a forum and thought that others would enjoy it)

A friend of mine sent me an email with questions wanting to understand "why" about my lifestyle. The following is the email i sent in reply:

The dynamics of spanking are all over the place.
First and foremost, there is a discipline component.
Discipline spankings are no fun, and they are designed
to make the consequences of some behaviors just not
worth it. Now, here's the kicker- the behaviors that
i am not allowed to do, are ones i have specifically
asked for help with. The only time i am disciplined
for something else is if i have been disrespectful to
G (which i do on occasion- *sheepish grin*) Yes, we
have paddles and straps, and all sorts of things, but
when an expeienced Domme (G is a Domme) uses them
properly, they are learning tools, and they work well.
G and i have spent tons of time talking about
boundaries and what is and is not ok. Having done
that, during a discipline spanking, no, i dont have
control. But that is only becuase i trust her enough
to know that she will know when i have been
appropriately punished.

The next part of spanking is the playful sexual part.
For me, it is the combination of spanking and giving
complete control over to someone else. That is the
biggest turn-on for me. When i have totally submitted
to G and she has complete control over me, it doesnt
take much in order for me to have an explosive orgasm.
That's a psychological component to go along with the
sexual stimulation that can occur in specific
spankings. Unlike someone who is strictly a masochist
and gets off from pain, i dont like pain. Pain itself
does not turn me on, and the more severe the pain, the
less i enjoy it. But light spanking and touching
andthe power exchange- well, lets just say WOW! It
isnt that way for everyone. The important thing is
that i am with someone who helps me explore what i
enjoy- and she enjoys as well. Her components are
different, but she has to take the time to understand
me, because we value each other.

There are major endorphins that get released in
spanking. In fact, they are the same endorphines that
chocolate, cocaine, orgasms and other drugs release.
It brings my body to a neat place. These endorphins,
when they release, can help me relax, destress, just
clear my head. When i ask G for a spanking for that,
i get to control what is used, how much i get, how
long it lasts, everything.

In some relationships people will use a safe word to
indicate they have had enough. i wont do that with G,
but she and i have an understanding which is that if
it ever gets to be too much, i will talk to her. And
she will listen. It is never abusive because i
ultimately control what she can and cannot do to me.
i submit to her because i choose to, not because i
have to. There are some relationships that are not
based on mutual respect, to me, that is abusive, but
some people are into that. Thankfully, i am not.

The BDSM community operates under the slogan "Safe,
Sane, & Consentual" Both parties agree to this, and
the idea is that nothing that happens is without the
consent of both the Dom/me and the sub. In a good
relationship, both parites talk extensively about
their desires and needs and they should be compatible
with each other. For example, the sub that G used to
have, well she was not really a sub, she was just a
masochist. G could never beat her the way that she
wanted to be beat, because it was completely out of
G's comfort zone. And the sub could never be able to
fulfill what G wanted because she just wasnt a sub.
Just not compatible. Craig and i had a similar
problem in that he wanted me to fit into a certain
component and wasnt interested in my growth, and as i
grew, i wanted something to evolve with him that just
could not happen. (Knowing what i know now, i'm
thankful that it didnt grow- lol).

There are people in the community who are really
wack-o. And like in anything, you have to learn how
to identify them. What you find is that there are
some people who are "playing" in their roles. They
have read some stuff but not really sure about
anything, or they think it would be neat to get
someone to fulfill some fantasy- you have to keep
those people at a safe distance. There are others who
have explored a little bit, and then decide it isnt
really for them. Then there are those of us who have
played and explored and taken it to a different depth.
We understand that it is simply a part of us. We
have learned to embrace it, enjoy it, cherish it, and
nurture it. That is the stage i have grown to. G has
been at this stage for some time already. She enjoys
helping me grow and learn and discover. i feel safe
doing it with her.

G said to me that a sub is a Dom/mes treasure. That
it is an honor to be given someones submission. And
she treats me as such. She loves me. She cares for.
She protects me, because i am hers. She holds me in
the same high esteem that i hold her. In a good D/s
relationship, this is how it should be. It is based
on such a deep mutual respect, and you both work so
hard to be for each other, that it is very fulfilling.
In some ways it is a marriage. In some ways i am
more married to her than E is. She acknowledges that
often. We don't take each other for granted. We
cherish each other equally. And just to really
confuse you, it is not a sexual conection or
attraction, it is a psychological and emotional
connection. That is what makes it so special. It is
the deepest connection you can have with another
human, and when it is mutual, it is the most amazing
feeling to know.

i hope that all makes sense to you. i know its alot
to take in. i think i have covered most of the bases
of the "why". honestly though, ask me questions any
time you have them. this is a great thing for me- i
have never put it all into words like this before. in
fact, i might just post all this on my blog...lol